Let me organize my thoughts so they won't come spewing out in a rush of incoherent words.
People who I was once or am close to:
Eugenia, Joanne, Eunice, Mira, Kris, Ai wei, Sarah, Nathaniel & Oliver.
People who I'm falling out with:
Eugenia, Joanne, Eunice, Kris, Ai wei, Sarah and Nathaniel.
The only two people left that I'm remotely close to now are Oliver and Mira, which is a big surprise because if you asked me, during term 2 of 2005, who I'd be closest to around this time, they would've been the last people on my mind. And ironically, the people that were at the top of my list are now right at the bottom. This post basically only applies to 3 of the above mentioned people and I'm pretty sure you know who you are. If you don't, well, here. I've spelt out your names for you.
Joanne Tan
I don't know what your problem with me is. Have I done something to offend you in any way? Okay, granted, I'm not exactly agreeing to your perpetual moodswings and random outbreaks of anger. But what have I done to deserve the cold shoulder and the constant eye-rolling? You've told me before that you know what you're doing is wrong but you still continue anyway. And today, when I asked you straight to the point, you acted oblivious to everything I mentioned. If you don't like me - if you hate my guts - TELL IT TO MY FACE. Don't go around talking about me behind my back and pretend be friends when I'm around. Even if you don't act like my friend, go ahead, shout at me first. At least I'll know what I did wrong.
Eugenia Ong
We're on speaking terms? Give me a break. If we're on speaking terms, why the sudden coldness? You know Mira and I weren't' there just to be "extra" during P.E., we were there to see if you really meant what you said in the library. Apparently, you don't. So don't tell me what I'm doing wrong or that I'm just imagining it because you know it ain't true. So much for unity huh?
I don't really feel like mentioning the last person now because you don't really affect me. Much. One more thing to add - what happened to "I'll always be here for you"? Somehow, these phrases don't come in very handy when you need them the most.
How do you define love? People everywhere say "I love you" like it doesn't mean a thing, me included. But now, I've been holding back unless I really mean it because, to me, love is a state of mind where you are willing to give up your own personal opinions and thoughts for the other person's happiness. I think that is a little strong for us to be using at this stage huh? So, please, unless you mean what you say, tell it like it is. Don't honey-coat it, don't roll it in sugar because after all, the truth is the truth is the truth and although it may hurt sometimes, I prefer it much more than fabricated lies.
Wow, I'm not being very christian-like with all this anger bottled up am I? Looking back, the only thing I've been able to rely on is God's love. He's the only one who's forever faithful and who'll love unconditionally. However, I've been taking things for granted recently and not doing my daily quiet time. Every week, I drag myself to church early on a Sunday morning not in hopes of being able to praise Him but more to see my friends. I really pray that this'll change for the better because I don't think I can continue having all these negative emotions inside - guilt, anger and just now, despair.
I've just confided in a friend from church about some problems I've been having in terms of relationships. I can't say what it is here but I hope that you'll pray for me k? I'm kinda going through a tough time now. Even if I don't show it.
11:17 PM
